well its the start of a new year and I really want to stop hiding behind everyone else and my fears and actually do something so I will, I won't be active in this community as much, but I will continue to upload my art.

I can't stop loving photography, but I had a moment not that long ago where I HATED IT with a passion.

this was because my grandad asked me to be the photographer for the funeral and it left me hating myself and my camera and everything to do with photography. Taking photos of my grans closed coffin knowing she was in there haunted me for a while because I didn't get the chance to greave properly

I couldn't even bare to look at my camera, but I am fine now, I have gotten over it and am back into photography now.

so sorry for being away and hope you can understand

HAPPY 2012, a new year and a new beginning for me

EDIT 5 going to the funeral which is friday but I am leaving tomorrow may not be back until sat, sorry for my absence

EDIT 4 at 5:00am on the 17/8/2011 my gran passed away.
she died peacefully not in any pain what so ever.
I saw her a few times when I went up to see her, I saw my dad too, it was strange, I came back friday and have just been waiting for news since then, I am devastated, I am trying to focus but I have a lot going on now, so I will be absent, sorry.

oh and thanks to all the lovely donators of premium membership, it really did cheer me up if only for a moment, I don't know who you are because I never got an email saying, but thanks anyway

EDIT 3 gran is still not responding to stimuli and the neurosurgeon will be there tomorrow, and I might be able to go up and see her, its my decision now and I have the money (just got 100 quid bday pressie off another grandad) for a coach journey.
just researched coach prices, it will cost me just a tiny bit over 50 quid for a return to go from portsmouth (where I am) to nantwich (where my nan lives)
thats annoyingly expensive, but I shall pay for it, if I am going up there

EDIT 2
in news about my gran, she isn't sedated any longer but she isn't responding yet either, they are just keeping her stable.
my dad has flew in to the UK today and I feel so selfish because all my dreams were to see him on my 18th birthday and I feel so selfish for wanting this when nan is like this, the hospital where nan is is about 4-5 hours from me and dad didn't want me to see her like she is.
no one seems to understand that my memories of her have been tainted already from what happened, I keep hearing her in my head and it scaring me.
Dad promised to ring me tonight with details and hopefully good news, but who knows, I am keeping positive but its hard but I know gran wouldnt want me to be like this
Thank you for all the lovely messages its so nice to read them and it cheers me inside. it means a lot to me

EDIT. She is in a stable condition but she isn't responding, but the hospital thinks thats just because she is very sedated.
it turns out her husband was upstairs so me ringing again made him come downstairs immediately when he realised the phone was ringing and she wasn't answering it.
there won't be a surgeon until monday so they are just keeping her stable and checking up on her, the next 48 hours are crucial.
my dad is trying to come back to the UK.
I'm a little out of it with all thats happening so any messages make me happy and thank you for all your kind words

last night was one of the worst nights in my life, I have never felt so powerless and unstable.

it all started out with some amazing and great news, I just found out that I am about to recieve a interim cheque of quite a lot of money, at least its quite a lot of money to me, its over £1000 and under £6000 but thats an amazing amount for me and that might not even be it all. The remainder will be paid when the estate is given final tax clearance.
this is all my grandads money (my dads dad), he died in november after a long hard battle with MS. he had had it over 18 years.

so I thought I should phone up my gran (my dads mum) she wasn't there, she was babysitting my cousin and when she got back she phoned me up, we were having a normal conversation, then all of a sudden she says she feels faint and she she is sitting down.
then all I hear are breathing sounds, I keep calling out to her but she doesn't answer, she tried to speak but all I hear are her words slurring.
I am panicing a lot by this point because I have watched the stroke adverts so I hang up and ring again in the hope the phone will alert her husband and it does and he calls an ambulance, because we both think it may be a stroke.

meanwhile I get hold of various relatives trying to get my aunts number and my dads number to let them, my aunt is only 7 minutes down the road from my nan and my dad lives in france.

I get hold of them and they find out whats happening for me. nan lives in cheshire while I live in portsmouth, so I can't get there.

I fell asleep and woke up 8am for a phone call, saying she had a massive brain hemorrhage and she is being operated on now, but she has a 50/50 chance.
a few hours later, she is in recovery but my dad doesn't have many details only that she is fine at the moment.

I don't know what to do, I am distraught I love my gran loads, she is amazing and has always been there for me. I can't lose 2 grandparents in less than a year, my aunt and dad can't lose both biological parents in one year.

my mind is all over the place and I can't concentrate on things, I just want comfort at the moment, I can't get in touch with any of my close friends and I can't phone my dad because he is waiting for news, I don't know what to do and its scaring me, I only have my mum at the moment.

this is all happening far too quickly its 2 days until I'm 18, I suddenly got all this money and I heard my gran like that, she is a really tough lady, healthy as a horse and it was terrifying to hear her suddenly like that.

I am sorry if I won't reply to much in the next few days, but I will be online, just distant and probably wondering chat rooms looking for someone to talk to