I havent been on here in so long and only when I did it was only to complain and be stupid.
so I want to start out this journal by apologising to all the good friends I made on deviantart, I am sorry for completely ignoring you, though it wasnt because I wanted to, it was because I was so so busy and I have had a shit year.
I want to apologise to people like:

and many more
all who I talked to quite regularly at one point.

I don't mean my year as from january until december, I mean my academic year, from september until now really, because as soon as I started my second year I became very distant to everyone and for that I am sorry.
but the main event that happened after I started 2nd year was that in november my grandad died and he was like a father to me. I was devastated by this and It didnt help that at his funeral I saw my father for the first time in six years.
so much has happened in such a short amount of time. I can't really absorb it all.

In the patches of dark I had some good news though. I passed my english literature/language resit and went from a grade E to a B. and I got a B in my unit 1 of photography.

but yet again my world was littered by bad news again, my mother had a test done and it turns out that that valve in her heart that was replaced two years ago, one of the flaps on it has prolapsed, which means collapsed. no one knows how serious it is yet but if it is serious she may have to have another heart operation.

I am totally and utterly scared that she might but knowing this has made me realise that I need my friends and family more than ever now.

I started volunteering for the british heart foundation in january to make my CV look better and because I wanted to help more but it hurts knowing that for all the funding that goes into stopping heart disease there is only a tiny amount of funding for my mothers heart condition which is Ebstein's anomaly, more information about the condition is available at the bottom of this journal.

anyway I wanted to say sorry for ignoring my friends and I really would like to get back in touch with you all again.

You can note me with your mobile number or email, or just message me on here. but I have missed all of you
sorry again
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Ebstein's anomaly is a rare heart defect in which parts of the tricuspid valve are abnormal. The tricuspid valve separates the right lower heart chamber (right ventricle) from the right upper heart chamber (right atrium).
The condition is congenital, which means it is present from birth.
The tricuspid valve is normally made of three parts, called leaflets or flaps. The leaflets open to allow blood to move from the right atrium (top chamber) to the right ventricle (bottom chamber) while the heart relaxes. They close to prevent blood from moving from the right ventricle to the right atrium while the heart pumps.
In persons with Ebstein's anomaly, the leaflets are unusually deep in the right ventricle. The leaflets are often larger than normal. The defect usually causes the valve to work poorly, and blood may go the wrong way back into the right atrium. The backup of blood flow can lead to heart swelling and fluid buildup in the lungs or liver. Sometimes, blood can't get out of the heart into the lungs and the person may appear blue.
In most cases, patients also have a hole in the wall separating the heart's two upper chambers and blood flow across this hole may cause oxygen-poor blood to go to the body. There may be narrowing of the valve that leads to the lungs (pulmonary valve).
Ebstein's anomaly occurs as a baby develops in the womb. The exact cause is unknown, although the use of certain drugs (such as lithium or benzodiazepines) during pregnancy may play a role. The condition is rare. It is more common in white people.